This morning, I woke up with such regret that I slept through the night. My slumber has never been as peaceful or as lengthy in a long time. Yet, I wished it were not so.
It was supposedly my last night in the apartment for a while. I’ll be in elbi the entire of next week to commemorate the 40 days of my mom’s passing. Last night was supposedly the last that I’d be able to spend with CB for some time. Hence, sleeping was not the priority, the fun night out was.
But, alas, that was not the case. We took a nap at around nine and instead of waking up thirty minutes later and go out, we woke up at thirty past five in the morning. My lethargic tendency always kicks in when I’m with him. Not sure if that’s a good thing but I love it.
So since last night was a bust, CB convinced (pleaded? hahahaha) that I stayed one more night. We’re off to Saguijo tonight for some good sisig, trippy music and lots of cold beer.
delicate by damien rice
I’ve been meaning to post this song. Listen. You’d love it.
wednesday night was spent with tupe and robert downey jr. the former’s hair is looking better. he seems to like his new job. good for him. the latter is as always, funny. he is perfect for the role. he does look like a genius ( which he actually is, in the field of acting) so the character fits him to a t.
i asked tupe out because he is a very dear friend. he and zen (my former roommate) suffered through several commutes home after visiting my mother’s wake. they arrived around midnight then, when no bus would go back to the metro. they had to do several jeep transfers from elbi, to clamba, to alabang, to magallanes then finally to makati. when i learned of this, it has touched me more than they could ever know. contrary to popular belief, i rarely take things for granted, especialy when its other’s kindness towards me.
anyhow, tupe and i have been friends since i think first sem of my first year. that’s about seven years. we had the same course, then the same school orgs, and eventually the same major classes. he can be a bit prissy but he is a very cool friend. one time, i was so hung over, he let me stay at his place while he was out of town (cause i can’t very well go home in that condition).
the nice thing about tupe and my other friends back in college is that we all had a drive to excel. we were usually groupmates which made such work easier for all involved. we didn’t have to worry about someone not doing their share. we were all about getting that elusive uno. and sometimes we actually did.
i miss that. wanting to excel. the desire to be the best. the dislike for mediocrity. whatever happened to me?
sigh.
maybe a new job would bring back my zest for learning and excellence.
I’m so very into Chris Brown. Here’s another version.
Sigh.
Am in makati right now, procrastinating on getting my mom’s death certificate from the NSO. Summer heat is not my friend.
Also, am spending time with CB (he’s at work as of the moment). I’m making up for the lost weekend and just wanting to be with him. Not spending an entire day (and the night) with him feels incomplete.
and oh, I’m into you and
no one else would do
with every kiss and every hug
you make me fall in love
and now I know I can’t be the only one
i bet there’s hearts all over the world tonight
with the love of their life who feel
what I feel when I’m with you, with you, with you, with you, with you
with you, with you, with you, with you, with you
I loved loved this song. And fuckin great that Chris of DC apparently does too.
Enjoy! Teenage Dirtbag by Chris of Dashboard and Brendan of Wheatus. Yes, I know the words of the song by heart.
It is true, the songs you listened to growing up will always be the closest to your heart. My dad and I were watching RJ Jacinto late last night on the telly. RJ was playing the songs my dad liked (which is what I inevitably grew up on). He seemed to enjoy the hour-long program. It was good. I felt he was able to relax a little.
After yesterday’s post, my mind has been a tossing on how to cheer up my dad. Even by just a bit. I, myself, resort to lotsa alcohol so that’s not really something I would suggest to him. His triglycerides are already way too high. He’s under medication which costs 82 a pop. He needs to take a hundred of those pills. Sigh.
There were moments last night with my dad when I felt like my old self. I didn’t feel like I was struggling so hard to keep myself afloat. In these slivers of time, everything is calm and perfect. I’m grateful.
Bat pag wala ako sa harap ng puter madami ako naiisip sabihin dito. shrug.
I’ve been telling friends that I haven’t been sleeping well lately. Me, the whore of sleep, can’t take her proper zzzzs. I used to be able to get eight hours, easy. Now, getting a straight four hours is already a miracle. And this is during the normal sleeping hours, when the moon and stars are hanging out.
My dad hasn’t been sleeping well too. And he’s already on a sleeping pill. Sigh. It bugs me that I don’t know what to do to help him. My friends say that I should just be there for him.
The thing is, though, solving other people’s emotional problems, even if they are family, has never been my strong point. I can barely fix my own mess.
My dad and I don’t have closest of relationship. Being my mom’s confidante, I have developed a dislike of him. My unfondness was being nurtred by my mom’s telling of their problems ever since I became a tweener. No, I do not hate my father, let’s make that clear. There are just moments when I don’t care for him that much.
I hate sounding like a whiny princess. BUT. Isn’t he supposed to be the one there for us? After all he is our father? I am just the idiot irresponsible eldest daughter. My brother is better at taking care of things than me.
Sigh.
And i haven’t even dealt with anything really. A friend has asked me if I have grieved yet. I had to ask her exactly how that would be. Cause I honestly am not sure. I’ve been walking around with nothing on my mind really. And when I allow myself to think of my mum, I can’t stop crying. Would those moments be considered grieving?
Fuckin sigh.
Last week, I started watching Six Feet Under again. This is my favorite show, if you knew me, you’d get why I love it so. It starts with the father getting hit by a bus. Sudden death in the family. Hits so fuckin close to home. I never thought that would happen to me. Ever.
Of all the characters in the show, I feel so much like David, trying to be composed yet failing miserably when no one is looking. Sometimes I crave other people’s company so that I can pretend eveything’s perfect in my little world. Because if left on my own, things feel like they’re crashing down on me.
I’ve been listening to a lot dashboard confessional the last few months. I was able to shake it off for a while, was listening to jazz funk again. But now, it seems like it’s the only thing I can listen to for hours on end. So here’s the song that I’ve been listening to way too much.
