I seem to have a knack for picking the bad ones, the unavailable ones.
Bakit nga ba? Ganun ba ko ka selfish, kung ano yung nasa iba na, yun ang gusto ko? Maybe it’s greed? Do I want everything for myself? Do I not want other people to be happy when I’m not?
I’d like to think otherwise. I was brought up to be a considerate person, never one to judge others until I get to know them. Too polite to hurt other people’s feelings. I watch what I say as to never offend. Yet my actions make it all seem like I’m in the running for the next best soap opera kontrabida.
CB has a kid with his then girl. I knew that from the start, before he even told me. Yet I allowed things to get this far.
I recognized the signs early on. I knew where I was heading. The all too familiar giddiness when I go to the office, the sudden earliness of arrival. If you know me at work, you know tardy is my middle name. Lashes of jealousy was also starting to strike. Which is a big joke as I didn’t have the rights to be. The melodrama that I allowed myself to bask in.
When you know that the path you have taken is littered with broken glass and rusty nails, you have no right to complain how tough your journey is. It is, after all, of your own choosing.
Did I romanticize things early on? Yes, no denying that. I am a drama queen after all. Being the other girl felt exhilirating at the start. To be the vixen in the story of your life, how effin cool is that. Everything felt like mine for the taking, consequences be damned. Sleeping with a married man (once), seeing an attached guy with a baby and also going back to the super non-ex. I thought I had the balls to live my life like that. No heartache, just pure unadulterated fun.
Hindi pala.
I’m too bipolar to continue on being so aggressive. I’m clueless on how I’m supposed to feel, on what I should do next. Maybe I should rethink my priorities. I am turning 24 this year. I have nothing to show for it except a trail of tattatered hearts and a negative bank account. Maybe it’s time I took my career seriously and focus on my motherless famiy.
If I let the drama on my personal life stay on the side, do you think it will work itself out? My participation in it apparently makes things worse. Maybe just letting it unfold on its own is for the best.
